I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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