Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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