Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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