remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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