So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
