you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
