I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
