just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
