On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
