I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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