I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize