Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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