So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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