We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
