Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
