I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize