Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
