I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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