You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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