I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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