somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
