Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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