He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
