The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm just crazy horny about you
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize