I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize