i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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