And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
