Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
