hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
