No stitches, just platelets and will power
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
