You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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