She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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