My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
