ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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