i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
