drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
