funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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