Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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