woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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