He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
