In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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