id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
