where am i from again
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
