it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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