There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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