hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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