i just made my gag reflex go away.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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