Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
