Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
