so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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