did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
