I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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