I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize