dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
