I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize