You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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