when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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