i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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